What Is It?

Jakob is my son from my second marriage. He must have heard me arrive, because as I backed the van up to his building, there he stood suddenly beside me. He looked smaller, younger; maybe it was the sneakers he wore and the loose-fitting T-shirt. He lifted his hand and made a 90 degree angle with his thumb and index finger, the kind of thing truck drivers do as they pass each other. Typical Jakob, I thought: When things seem their worst, he always has a gesture or a story to make you smile. I smiled and found the emergency brake, near the rear left side of the wheel, halfway to the pedals.

I got out of the car and we hugged.

-What a mess, I said.

-Yeah, he said, grimacing.

We stood looking at each other for a moment.

-C’mon, he said.

We went through the entrance and into the front hallway. Their apartment was on the ground floor, and the door was wide open.

-Everything’s in here, he said, and I followed him into the bedroom. I recognized the heavy mahogany desk that had once belonged to my father. Around it there were about twenty-five boxes stacked three or four levels high, and beside them: a light blue mattress, a stereo system, a TV and a white wardrobe. I tried to picture it all in the van.

-We’ll manage, I said. We’ll make it fit.

-Helene will be back in about an hour, he said. Let’s try to be out of here by then.

It was as if he stared at my right ear as he said it. I nodded-I couldn’t do anything else-and brought my hand up to my ear, and rubbed my earlobe between my fingers.

We took the boxes first. One box, with medical books inside, was extremely heavy and we had to haul it out together. Otherwise we grabbed one each; he trotted, and I tried to keep up. It was autumn, the air crisp and clear, but before long I could feel the sweat trickling down my arms. My heart thumped so hard in my chest that I was forced to stop. After I’d carried out five boxes, I slowed my pace, and managed to carry out four more. Jakob got the rest.

-Could I have a glass of water? I asked.

-How about a beer?

-No thanks. It’s too early. Water will be just fine.

He returned with my water, and I could see how he studied me as I drank. I turned and smiled at him.

-That hit the spot, I said.

I looked for something that wasn’t too heavy, and caught sight of a brown wooden box beside the stereo. There were black hieroglyph-like letters on the lid.

-That’s Ernst, Jakob said.

I could see a few yellowed bones and the crown of a skull. I pushed the lid in place and carried the box out with my arms stretched, carefully, so that it wouldn’t rattle.

When we got to the wardrobe, Jakob glanced at his watch.

-Twenty minutes, he said.

I grabbed the bottom, and as we wedged it through the door, our eyes met. It occurred to me that it’d been a long time since I’d seen his eyes lit up this way. It must be the shock, I thought. Right when it happens, you don’t feel a thing.

-Watch your fingers, I said, as we angled the wardrobe around the corner and into the entryway.

Finally there was only the TV left, and I took that. I saw Jakob getting out a notepad and I guessed he would write a note to Helene. There were only five minutes to go, so I made sure that everything was securely fastened, and stayed by the van.

He ran out carrying his windbreaker.

I had just started the van when he remembered the keys. He worked his fingers feverishly to slide the keys from the ring. Then he got out and ran back to the apartment with them. I glanced up the street, but Helene was nowhere in sight.

#

We reached the first light. We sat waiting and suddenly I could sense it. I followed Jakob’s glance until I saw her on the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street. It was striking how much she looked like herself; she wore a short, red jacket and tight blue pants. I saw how she pulled the hair from her face, how she shook her head very lightly, her curly blond hair bobbing up and down. Neither Jakob nor I said a word. We passed by her within a few feet without her seeing us.

#

-This is rather unexpected, I said.

We had driven in silence for a few minutes. Jakob turned and looked at me. It was rush hour, and I kept my eyes on the traffic.

-Yeah, he said.

He sat with a foot propped up on the dashboard.

-Is it…your decision, or…is it hers?

-It’s mostly mine, he said.

I looked at him, curious.

We drove on for a while without speaking. Then I looked at him again. His eyes were squinted into slits because of the sun.

-How’d she take it?

-Watch out!

A bus squeezed in ahead of us, and I hit the brake; harder than it was actually necessary. I could hear something shifting in the back, but nothing crashed down. We both turned to look, but with the piles of boxes blocking the little cab window, we couldn’t see anything. Jakob said:

-I think it’s all right. Let’s just keep going.

We continued, and soon after I said:

-How’d she take it?

Jakob turned his head and looked at me. Then he looked out the front window again.

-All right.

I veered into the left lane, then shifted gear and turned the corner.

-It all sounds a little rash, I said.

-We’ve got to turn left up here.

We turned from the heavily congested road and onto a quiet street with a speed bump and three-story houses on either side. There was a Laundromat, an old-fashioned greengrocer and a second-hand store.

Jakob pointed at a white building on the corner.

-It’s over here.

I pulled the emergency brake and remained in the van. Jakob had already opened the door.

-It looks like a nice neighborhood, I said.

#

When we had carried everything upstairs, we each sat on a box in the middle of the apartment’s largest room.

-I don’t know, I said. Have I ever told you why I got divorced from my first wife?

-I don’t think so, Jakob said.

I took a swig from my beer.

-It’s actually an odd story.

Jakob tipped his bottle to his mouth and closed his eyes as he drank.

-I happened to read her diary.

I set my eyes directly on Jakob.

-Most of what was in it was relatively banal. I can remember that I’d thought: have I really married a woman who writes so badly? I thought the way she formulated her ideas was so clumsy, almost childlike. Here and there she had made small drawings, a grumpy face, a happy face. But I kept reading.

Jakob looked down at his shoes.

-And that’s how I discovered that she’d had an affair. As far as I could tell, the affair was over, but I was furious and beside myself and didn’t know what to do. At the same time, I was pretty embarrassed that I’d found her out in that way.

I paused, and Jakob rose and walked to the window.

-I just got my things together and moved out.

Jakob stood a moment looking out; then he turned around. He blushed slightly. He had a vertical crease between his brows, which I recognized from myself.

I could feel the warmth rising to my cheeks and lowered my eyes to a spot in the middle of his chest.

I stood and went to him. I put my arm around his back and squeezed him. I could see all the way to the street, where the van was parked.

-Listen, Jakob said, and worked himself free. I’m the one who’s the asshole here. It’s me who’s found someone else.

I looked at him.

-Oh.

I stood there for a moment, staring at the roof of the van. Then I pulled myself away and went back to the box and sat down.

-Tell me, I said.

-There’s not much to tell. She’s sweet. Dorthe is her name. But it’s pretty new. I’ve only known her for three weeks. There’s not much to tell.

-Okay.

I finished my beer, and a moment later I stood to leave.

-What a mess, I said.

-It’s all right, Jakob said and smiled.

#

I walked to the van. It was parked underneath a tall chestnut tree, and a green chestnut lay on the roof. I stood on my tip-toes and clutched it carefully. I turned and glanced up at the apartment. Jakob stood in the window talking on the telephone; he raised his right arm and ran his hand through his hair, and I raised mine and waved.

#

It was just getting dark when I got home. I parked the van in front of the neighbor’s house and tossed the key in his mailbox as we’d arranged. I went up the walk to my own house and saw the light in the living room. The TV was turned on.

I let myself in the utility room and cast a glance at the day’s mail, which lay on the table just inside the door.

I went into the living room to my wife and laid the green chestnut on the table in front of her. She raised her head and looked at me questioningly.

-Jakob said to say hello.

I went upstairs into the bedroom and stood in the middle of the room staring into space for a while. Then I went downstairs again.

-How’d it go? she asked.

-All right, I said.

I sat down beside her on the sofa. She glanced back and forth from me to the TV. Then she kept her eyes focused on the TV. The chestnut lay on the table where I’d left it. I reached for it. I pressed my thumbs into the narrow crevice and opened the shell. The green hemispheres I set on the table. The chestnut felt so unexpectedly soft and smooth in my fingers; it reminded me of something I’d once felt when I looked at my wife. I turned to her. Her stare was fixed on the television screen, the image reflected compressed and unclear on each lens of her glasses.

I continued to look at her, but it didn’t help. At some point, she must’ve noticed my desperation, because she said:

-What is it, Thomas?

Then I turned and looked towards the TV.