The Sinking Robert

Prospectus

The size of the area into which a Robert (Human Subsidence) sinks depends largely on soil conditions, average yearly rainfall, the weight of the Robert, and the extent to which it regards its situation with philosophical indifference.

Roberts sink readily over karst terrain, gas mines, service tunnels and other man-made voids.

Nothing makes a strong or lasting impression on a Sinking Robert. They are famous for the inability to remember important dates, relevant genealogical information or the names of people they went to high school with.

Filling in a Robert is almost always a bad idea. Resist that urge. The buried Robert grows hot under backfill and harmful gases develop. Unventilated Roberts are extremely dangerous. When a buried Robert erupts, it wreaks havoc on outlying areas. Don’t bury a Sinking Robert.

You can, however, befriend a Sinking Robert. They are companionable, kind, forthright, immensely compassionate, and they make great listeners (see below).

Sinking Roberts sink relative to the datum-plane.

Geodesic mapping of the event resembles a funnel, in which concentric “zones of cave” fall incrementally on a 42-89% gradient.

Wind blowing over the top of a Robert makes a hollow, forlorn sound.

Sinking Roberts are fair-skinned and burn easily in direct sunlight. They have beards, short hair and wire-rimmed glasses. They are moderate to heavy drinkers. They divert the flow of tributaries, create extensive subsoil drainage conditions, and alter the mating habits of terns.

Unattended children should not be allowed to play in the vicinity of a Robert. They might fall in, grow despondent, develop a taste for odd works of fiction, and get addicted to cigarettes. A Robert is not a good place for the elderly, either. Keep them away.

A Sinking Robert typically sinks with its own thoughts, which are dark and without hope.

Orientation

Roberts sinks in the horizontal (prone) position, face-up, which is more comfortable. Occasionally, a Robert will sink while seated, lotus-style, surrounded by magazines and empty coffee mugs.

As they sink, Roberts smoke packs of filterless Camel cigarettes and stare blankly at the vanishing world above.

Relationship with Family Members

By the time it begins to sink, a Robert has already become something of an embarrassment to its friends and family.

The family members of a Sinking Robert frown upon human subsidence. For one reason or another they do not consider sinking to be a legitimate alternative to the steadfast application of human energies in lucrative above-ground fields of endeavor. Human subsidence often dismissed as an utterly childish, incomprehensible form of self-indulgence.

The Marriage Habits of the Sinking Robert

The marriage habits of the Sinking Robert are unique. It is absolutely essential that a Sinking Robert marry. The wife of a Sinking Robert is a unique creature, lovely, tall, active in life, vivacious, fully embedded and at home within the myriad and ever-present attractions of living—wine tastings, lawn parties, art openings, the precocious children of relatives, puppies, nice shoes, mulched beds.

Nobody understands why these women attach themselves to Roberts (Man-Sinkers). But they do, and happily, and the marriages are usually happy ones, with enormous amounts of mutual understanding and respect exchanged between both parties.

127’ 07’’

At a depth of 127’ 07’’ the Sinking Robert attempts to insert its whole right hand into its mouth. It succeeds after a time in getting most of it in there, at which point it bites down hard, removes the hand from its mouth, and sighs.

The Relatives ( Interlude)
“. . .looks awful, really. . .”
“. . .getting married. . . ”
“. . .a peach cobbler for. . .”
“. . .mother said. . .”
“. . .the daffodils. . .”
“. . .uncanny ability. . .”
“. . .over fourteen million in. . .”
“. . .don’t stand a chance in November. . .”
“. . .law school. . .”
“. . .traveling to Budapest. . .”
“. . .pregnant. . .”

Stage 1: Ignorance

As a rule a Sinking Robert doesn’t know it is sinking until too late. The Robert is so oblivious and unattuned to itself and its environment, so caught up in its utterly childish, idiosyncratic, solipsistic inner-life, (where a sudden interest in pastry-making competes with hydroelectric dam construction, the history of azimuth-determination, and the early novels of John Fowles) that it will have sunk several hundred feet before it realizes what is happening. (This is a really great time to be around The Robert because of how amusing it is to see the painful truth of its situation slowly entering the thing’s molasses-thick consciousness.) The radical isolation of The Sinking Robert, as well as its limitless capacity for self-delusion, are highlights of stage 1.

Aspect-Shift

Having attained the qualities requisite for a gradual subsurface displacement of material, a Robert will at once begin to sink. As it sinks, the Robert is quite capable of maintaining its normal everyday routines (Roberts are not very active to begin with). The sinking is gradual and imperceptible and has a cumulative effect. Friends and family and everything else in life begin to appear higher-up, unreachable. For awhile (see the remarks on self-delusion above) everything appears to The Robert like it is ascending. It is only later that it realizes that it is, in fact, sinking.

355’ 02’’

At a depth of 355’ 02’’, the Robert openly resents having become what it now gloomily refers to as “a sewer of pity.”

Guardianship of Solitude

Sinking Roberts are extremely vulnerable. They need protectors, especially during stages 3 and 4 (see below). A Sinking Robert doesn’t know how to care for itself. It shits itself and can’t seem to remember to trim its enormous, repulsive horn-like toenails when it’s supposed to.

In most cases, the wife of a Sinking Robert develops a strongly protective attitude toward her husband. She fences the perimeter, sets up a gate, stands guard over her Robert, and cleans up after it. To the extent that it is possible, she keeps the relatives away, as well as small children and the elderly.

The wife of the Sinking Robert stands guard over the latter’s solitude, the solitude of the Robert being essentially all that remains to it of any value after having sunk.

Stage 2: Mild Misgivings

During this phase, the Sinking Robert (Hole-Boy) starts the slow painful ordeal of trying to process what is happening to it. The E.P.A will invariably show up during stage 2 in order to do a study on the Robert. They will issue a report, concurrent with a memorandum of agreement, outlining concerns regarding the putative effects of the Robert on nearby wetland basins, tributary-flow, and the mating habits of the yellow tern.

The hole of a stage 2 Robert exerts a tunnel-like effect on its vision, telescoping ordinary objects, making them appear smaller and less significant. One of the most obvious but overlooked effects of its sinking on the Robert is to remove it from the world and from people, to make it increasingly disinterested in ordinary, everyday things like lawn parties, wine tastings, clothes shopping, varietal orchids, etc. In response to the growing body of evidence (namely the enormous hole that it is surrounded by, coupled with its inability to move) the Robert starts having mild misgivings about what it is doing.

The Relatives (Cont.)

“. . .no stopping it. . .”
“. . .amount to something. . .”
“. . .used to laugh. . .”
“. . .sparkle in the eyes. . .”
“. . .flair for the dramatic. . .”
“. . .frittering away. . .”
“. . .so far gone that. . .”
“. . .maybe graduate school. . .”
“. . .a terrible waste of. . .”
“. . .screwing up the environment. . .”

The Meaning of a Robert

The meaning of a Robert develops over time. Roberts mean many different things. Their dreams are often dark and full of dark sexual imagery. A Robert will never voluntarily disclose to you its meaning.

Roberts are cagey with regard to their meanings.

Stage 3: Mounting Hysteria

As the Sinking Robert continues to sink further and further, its mild misgivings gradually give way to a mounting hysteria. Looking down at one from above you would never suspect that the Sinking Robert was getting hysterical. Outwardly, they appear calm, even peaceful, during this stage. Often, they sing the praises of sinking, how it’s much cooler, for example, and less stressful below the earth. You would almost think that they were happy to be sinking. But in reality they are becoming increasingly hysterical as the full and unadorned truth of their situation becomes devastatingly clear.

The near-complete immobility of the Robert, which before was a matter of indifference (“movement is absurd”) starts to upset the thing. It grits its teeth and tries to steer its thoughts back toward what it used to think about before it realized it was sinking (pastries, dam-construction, novelistic innovation) but the harsh reality of its situation now constantly intrudes.

During stage 3, a Robert goes blind and loses its sense of smell. Lack of exposure to direct sunlight causes the surface to etiolate. The facial features harden into a menacing, effigy-like glare. Its beard, which was once short and neatly trimmed, gets big and bushy and fans out over its chest. Sweat beads on its blunt white forehead; its breathing slows to a flutter; its whitish occluded eyes stare blindly out its skull. . .

It is at some time during the third phase that a Sinking Robert will softly begin to moan.

620’ 03’’

At a depth of 620’ 03’’, the Robert stuffs its beard into its mouth and it triples its previous best score in Solitaire

On the Virtues of the Wife of the Sinking Robert

The wife of the Sinking Robert is renowned, among other things, for her ability to let her husband “be itself.”

Amazingly, she doesn’t judge it or try to get it to do things it doesn’t want to do, like stop sinking, shower, climb out of its hole, and take a more active role in the household finances.

She doesn’t manipulate it, or overlay it with her own complex of attitudes and presuppositions.

She doesn’t exploit it for monetary gain.

She doesn’t fill it in with crushed rock and cement and build a potting shed over it.

She doesn’t look to it to compensate her in some way for long-lost debts incurred during childhood.

The wife of the Robert is basically the only person a Robert feels completely comfortable around. This is because the wife of a Sinking Robert accepts the Robert for what it is, namely a hole at the bottom of which is a being, robbed of all hope and sinking inexorably under its own weight.

Early Roberts

Historically, Roberts were used for many different purposes. Early settlers turned Roberts into ad hoc refuse dumps, hurling down onto them all manner of trash and bucketed human waste. These early mistreated Roberts were sad, marginal figures. As time passed, however, and the problem of basic sanitation was addressed by modern methods, Roberts became attractive recreational areas where you could go spelunking or have a picnic or think wistful thoughts about the fragile beauty of life while watching the sun set.

The Relatives (Cont.)

“. . .airlift him. . .”
“. . .a crane, maybe. . .”
“. . .winch. . .”
“. . .block and tackle. . .”
“. . .needs a bath. . .”
“. . .gabardine coat. . .”
“. . .Christian faith. . .”
“. . .poured concrete sub-base. . .”
“. . .a shame, really. . .”
“. . .if it was me. . .”
“. . .wastewater management. . .”
“. . .lazy. . .”

Mating Habits

Once a month, the wife of the Sinking Robert, equipped with a light-weight aluminum ice-axe, carabiners, 8-11 mm. low-stretch Kern mantel rope harnesses with friction-breaking Pretzl stops, descends to the bottom of the Robert in order to mate with it.

The wives of Sinking Roberts (in addition to being wonderful, proud, free-spirited women) are by necessity accomplished alpinists

Stage 4: Anomie

When a Robert attains a depth of 700 feet it relinquishes its moral and intellectual certitudes. It gets hotter and hotter and its underside becomes rotted, sponge-like and extremely permeable. The rate of descent of a stage 4 Robert increases exponentially with a proportional daily increase in mass. The rising temperature and permeability of a Robert bereft of certitudes allows it to draw into its body, by absorption,

tons of the surrounding inorganic material. A stage 4 Robert (Dirt-Muncher) is extremely sensitive to what it perceives as gratuitous personal attacks, insults or snubbings. Don’t chide a Stage 4 Robert. Don’t make a remark about a Stage 4 Robert’s lack of ambition or its painful awkwardness in social interactions. Don’t call it a “Dirt-Muncher.”

Stage 4 Roberts keep loved-ones on tenterhooks. The last thing you want is a Stage 4 Robert to turn on you with some nasty indictment of your stinking, petty surface-level existence.

The organs liquefy in Stage 4. The Robert retains its forbidding, effigy-like outward appearance. The liquefied organs drain out the Robert’s porous underside. Coliform bacteria, mold and fungus spores, as well as hoards of unsightly insect larvae migrate to the center of the Robert and scour the interior. This process (core shedding) takes approximately 90 days and is terribly upsetting to the Robert who still values its vital functions.

Prolonged detachment from the human realm with its myriad projects, diversions, and pressing concerns causes the Stage 4 Robert to appear rude and unsympathetic. Often, when politely greeted and asked for advice or for its opinion on some matter, a Stage 4 will, with a tired wave of its hand, repeat the well-worn phrase, “Who really gives a shit, anyway?”

After stage 4, the tongue falls out and the mouth is stuffed up with earth. Roberts do not speak after stage 4.

987’ 11’’

At a depth of 987’ 11’’, the Robert hears the Voice of God. It occurs to the Robert that the Voice of God must be emanating from a radio transmitter near the center of the earth, which is absurd.

The Relatives (Conclusion)

“. . .awful, the smell. . .”
“. . .could’ve gone into. . .”
“. . .a time when things. . .”
“. . .unfortunately, now. . .”
“. . .privadocent of. . .”
“. . .asset management. . .”
“. . .not easy for. . .”
“. . .circumnavigating. . .”
“. . .won’t change. . .”
“. . .just like. . .”
“. . .gone too far. . .”
“. . .limitless self-delusion. . .”
“. . .his own fault. . .”

1001’ 02”-1223’ 11”

At a depth of 1001’ 02’’, it devotes itself to a thorough and painstaking tactile examination of its scrotum skin.

At a depth of 1031’ 08”, painful nostalgia coupled with a paralyzing sense of personal defeat momentarily soften its outward appearance, and it evokes from bystanders spontaneous feelings of commiseration.

At a depth of 1112’ 01”, it weeps, wetting its beard with big salty tears.

At a depth of 1125’ 04”, it sleeps for 18 straight hours.

At a depth of 1148’ 00”, it understands, finally, that neither great riches nor fame lie in store for it.

At a depth of 1154’ 10”, it rationalizes its predicament to the extent that it actually starts to consider not sinking to be the ultimate hypocrisy.

At a depth of 1223’ 11”, it plunges its whole hand once more into its mouth and lets loose upon its fate a prolonged and inaudible howl.

Stage 5: Clarity

In stage 5, at a depth of over 1500’, the Sinking Robert will at last attain a kind of clarity regarding its situation. It cools down considerably, quits smoking, stops sinking, and devotes itself entirely to the task of listening. There is something truly marvelous and unforgettable about a 1500-foot deep listening Robert. These extremely rare, “full-blown” Roberts emit a pleasing sound high in the upper register (Robsong). The “music” issues from the ears of the Robert and is the gorgeous audible reification of the thing’s uncanny late-stage ability to pay attention to others.

Teams of experts on “Emitting” or “Geysering” Late Stage Roberts (Deep Earth Burts) converge on the site in order to record and analyze the Robsong. These recordings are rare and are said by some to possess magical properties. Tape recordings of stage 5 Roberts have been known to cure blindness, sclerosis, narcolepsy and partial paralysis. Some say Robsong can raise the dead, but this is probably a myth. Robsong has given hope to people who have given up all hope. Criminals and psychopaths, listening to a Stage 5 Robert, will grow calm and tractable and they will describe with amazement how, listening to the Robert, they feel for the first time in their lives that they are not alone. Robsong is widely regarded as anodyne for foot sores, scabies, nighttime bloating, and incontinence. Old people, sad, marginalized, sick, defeated, misunderstood people are said to be more attuned to Robsong, and they speak of limitless tonal variations, veritable symphonies high in the upper register directed solely at them, and for their benefit alone. It is the primary characteristic of the music of a stage 5 Robert that it is perceived as having been created exclusively for the listener. Relatives are mostly deaf to Robsong, as are healthy people with active outdoor lifestyles who cultivate a “no-nonsense attitude” toward life. Hedge fund managers, successful real estate developers, government officials, university professors, many in the publishing world, and tax attorneys cannot appreciate Robsong, can’t, in fact, stand the sound of it.

Roberts sing for about three weeks. Then they die.

The Exemplary Mistimed Grief of the Wife of the Sinking Robert

Wives of Sinking Roberts experience grief well in advance of the actual deaths of their husbands. This “visionary” or “pre-emptive” grief is the result of a legitimate confusion on the part of the wife regarding the actual biological status of her husband, who in every way resembles a dead man.

The grief of the wife of the Sinking Robert is exemplary in many ways.

Amazingly, she grieves for her dead husband without selfishness or feelings of entitlement.

She doesn’t needlessly interlard her grieving with guilt or gloom or recrimination or self-pity or showmanship of any kind.

Her grief doesn’t make her bitter or hardened toward others or antagonistic toward life.

She doesn’t try to force the troubling image of her husband from her mind, or from the minds of others.

She doesn’t sink under the weight of her grief.

She grieves simply and directly for the thing that is lost, and then she stops. When she stops, she stops entirely, and literally never think about her husband again.

This whole process takes anywhere from 5-7 hrs., and is yet another example of how healthy, well-adjusted, and firmly rooted in life these lovely, incomparable women are.

Stage 6: Expiration

After stage 5, the Robert expires and becomes as cold as the surround strata. Spent Roberts (Cold-Tubes or Bobby-Cores) continue to attract visitors and sightseers, but far fewer than before. A Spent Robert has an undeniably forlorn aspect. Wind blowing over the top makes a hollow, forlorn sound. Weeds grow around the edge of the hole. Teenagers come and throw in pennies and empty beer bottles. Dark legends develop around the provenance of these unsightly craters, and the Spent Robert becomes an example for all time held up to small children by their parents of what not to do.

And there, over a thousand feet below the surface lay the Spent Robert’s rigid calcified remains. At this depth, severed from the world above, wombed in silence and ecological isolation, strange new forms of life, eye-less, tongue-less, extremely slow-moving, without fangs or claws or sexual organs of any kind, begin to flourish in great numbers, in near total darkness.